Long thing about a specific theory - chapter 12

SPECIFIC ADLERIAN GUIDANCE PROGRAM


STEP- Systematic Training for Effective Parenting – is a program developed by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay (1976) that is based on Alderian theory.

The STEP program is a small-group discussion method of parent education for child guidance. It is organized around nine STEPs, or nine weekly sessions, with each focusing on a specific aspect of adult-child interaction (Dinkmeyer and McKay, 1976). Each STEP or session is designed to teach a specific Adlerian concept or guidance technique.


STEP 1: Understanding your child’s behavior and misbehavior

STEP 2: Understanding more about your child’s emotions and
yourself as a parent; recognizing the differences between
“good” parents and responsible parents

STEP 3: Learning to use encouragement, instead of praise, to build
your child’s confidence and feelings of self-worth

STEP 4: Improving communication by becoming an effective listener

STEP 5: Communicating your ideas and feelings to your child;
helping the child to explore alternative ways of behaving

STEP 6: Replacing reward and punishment with learning from
consequences

STEP 7: Applying natural and logical consequences to the challenges
of child-training; acting positively, rather than reacting
negatively

STEP 8: Establishing family meetings that encourage democratic
family relationships

STEP 9: Developing confidence and growing as a person, as well as
becoming a more effective parent






BASIC PRINCIPLES IN DEALING WITH CHILDREN


GOLDEN RULE: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” This is the basis of democracy, since it applies equality of individuals.

MUTUAL RESPECT: Based upon the assumption of equality, is the inalienable right of all human beings. No one should take advantage of another – neither adult nor child should be a slave or a tyrant.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Implies faith in the child as he is, not in his potentiality. A child misbehaves only when he is discouraged and believes he cannot succeed by useful means. The child needs encouragement as a paint needs water.

REWARD AND PUNISHMENT ARE OUTDATED: A child soon considers a reward his right and demands a reward for everything. He considers that punishment gives him the right to punish others, and the retaliation of children is usually more effective than the punishment of adults.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES: Utilizing the reality of the situation rather than personal power can exert the necessary pressure to stimulate proper motivation. Only in moments of real danger is it necessary to protect the child from natural consequences of his disturbing behavior.

ACTION INSTEAD OF WORDS: In times of conflict. Children tend to become “mother-deaf” and act only when raised voices imply some impending action, and then respond only momentarily. Usually the child knows very well what is expected of him. Talking should be restricted to friendly conversations and not used as a disciplinary means.

WITHDRAWAL: Effective counteraction. Withdrawal is not surrender and is most effective when the child demands undue attention or tries to involve one in a power struggle. He gets no satisfaction in being annoying if nobody pays attention.

WITHDRAWAL FROM THE PROVOCATION, NOT FROM THE CHILD: Don’t talk in moments of conflict, but friendly conversation and pleasant contacts are essential. Have fun and play together. The less attention the child gets when he disturbs, the more he needs when he is cooperative.

DON’T INTERFERE IN CHILDREN’S FIGHT: By allowing children to resolve their own conflicts, they learn to get along better together. Many fights are provoked to get the adult involved and by separating the children or acting as judge, we fail for their provocation; thereby stimulating time to fight more.

TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING AND TEACHING: The child essential skills and habits. If a mother does not have time for such training, she will spend more time correcting an untrained child.

NEVER DO FOR A CHILD WHAT HE CAN DO FOR HIMSELF: A “dependant” child is a demanding child. Most adults underestimate the abilities of children. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.

UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S GOAL: Every action of a child has a purpose. His basic aim is to have his place in the group. A well behaved and well adjusted child has found his way toward social acceptance by conforming with the requirements of the group and by making his own useful contributions to it. The misbehaving child is still trying, in a mistaken way, to gain social status.

THE FOUR GOALS OF A CHILD’S MISBEHAVIOR: The child is usually unaware of his goals. His behavior, though illogical to others, is consistent with his own orientation.
1. - Attention getting...Wants attention and service
2. - Power...Wants to be the boss
3. - Revenge...Wants to hurt us
4. - Display of inadequacy...Wants to be left alone

OUR REACTIONS TO A CHILD’S MISBEHAVIOR PATTERNS:
1. - Feel annoyed...Wants to remind and to coax
2. - Feel provoked...“You can’t get away with this.”
3. - Feel deeply hurt...“I’ll get even!”
4. - Feel despair...“I don’t know what to do!”

FALLACY OF FIRST IMPULSE: By action on our first impulse, we tend to testify the child’s misbehavior patterns, rather than correct them.

MINIMIZE MISTAKES: Making mistakes is human. We must have the courage to be imperfect. Build on strength, not on weakness.

DANGER OF PITY: Feeling sorry for the child, while natural, often adds harm to an already tragic situation and the child may be more harmed by the pity than the actual tragedy. Life’s satisfactions depend on one’s ability to take things in stride. Feeling sorry for someone leads to his self-pity and to the belief that life owes him something.

DON’T BE CONCERNED WITH WHAT OTHERS DO: But accept responsibility for what we can do. By utilizing the full potential of our constructive influence, we do not have to worry about what others may do to the child. Compensation for the mistakes of others is unwise and over-protection may rob the child of his own courage and resourcefulness.

A FAMILY COUNCIL: Gives every member of the family a chance to express himself freely in all matters pertaining to the family as a whole and to participate in the responsibilities each member has for the welfare of the family. It is truly education for democracy and should not become a place for parents to “preach” or impose their will on children, nor should it deteriorate into a “gripe” session. The emphasis should be on “What can we do?”

HAVE FUN TOGETHER: And thereby help develop a relationship based on mutual respect, love and affection, mutual confidence and trust, and feeling of belonging. Playing together, working together, sharing interesting and exciting experiences leads to the kind of closeness which is essential for cooperation.

Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs



HELPING YOUNG CHILDREN ESTABLISH SELF-DISCIPLINE AND SELF-CONTROL

What to do when children continue to misbehave

Since children do not always stoop throwing sand or grabbing tricycles simply because the teacher tells them to or redirects them to another activity, it is necessary to know what to do when a child continues to misbehave. I call the approach I use the six learning steps in discipline: 1) warning the child, 2) removing her, 3) discussing feelings and rules, 4) waiting for her to decide when she is ready to return, 5) helping her return and be more successful, and 6) following through with “losing the privilege” when this is necessary.

1. Warn the child and redirect her if she will accept such redirection. For example, you might warn a youngster that if she continues to throw sand, she will lose the privilege of staying in the sandbox; then suggest a couple of interesting things she could do with the sand instead of throwing it. It is important to make the child understand that her behavior is up to her. It is her choice; but if she chooses to continue, you will see to it that you carry out your warning.

2. If necessary, remove child promptly and keep her with you. Warn only once. If she persists in doing what she has been told not to do, act calmly and promptly. Remove her and insist that she sit beside you, telling her she has lost the privilege of playing in sand. This is much more valuable than just letting her run off. Having her sit beside you interrupt what she wants to do, is a mildly unpleasant consequence of her act, and prevents her substituting another activity she would enjoy more.

3. Take time to describe her feeling in an understanding way but be clear about firmly stating the rule as well as the reason for it. Don’t moralize or rub it in too much. Don’t talk too much.

4. Have the child take the responsibility of deciding when she is ready to return. At step 4 many teachers say something on the order of, “Now you sit here until lunch is ready,” thus shifting the responsibility for the child’s behavior to their own shoulders instead of putting the child in command of herself. It is better to say, “Now, tell me when you can control yourself, and I will let you go back,” or, more specifically, “When you can keep the sand down, tell me, and then you can go back and play.” Some children can actually say they are ready, but others will need help from the teacher who can ask them when they look ready, “Are you ready to go back now?” (Perhaps she nods or just looks ready.) “Good, your eyes tell me you are. What would you like to do for fun there?”

5. Finally, it is important to go with the child and help her be successful when she does go back, so that she has the experience of substituting acceptable for unacceptable behavior. It will probably be necessary to take a few minutes and get her really interested. Be sure to congratulate the child when she has settled down, perhaps saying, “Now, you’re doing the right thing. I’m proud of you!”

6. What to do if the child repeats the behavior. Occasionally the teacher will come across a more glib customer who says hastily when removed from the sandbox, “I’ll be good, I’ll be good!” but then goes right back to throwing sand when she returns. At this point it is necessary to take firmer action. Have her sit beside you until she can think of something acceptable to do, but do not permit her to go back to the sandbox. You might say, “What you did (be explicit) shows me that you haven’t decided to do the right thing; so you’ll have to come and sit with me until you can think of somewhere else to play. You’ve lost the privilege of playing in the sandbox for now.” Then when she decides, go with her and take her to another teacher and tell him about her special need to get started on something productive. Avoid sounding moralistic or “nasty-nice” while explaining the situation to the teacher because this will just prolong bad feelings.



PRAISE
Underlying Characteristics
Focus is on External Control.

Message sent to the child...
“You are worthwhile when you do what I want.”
“You cannot and should not be trusted.”
Possible Results...
Child learns to measure worth by ability to conform; or child rebels.

Underlying Characteristics
Focus is on External Evaluation.

Message sent to the child...
“To be worthwhile you must please me.”
“Please or Perish”.
Possible Results...
Child learns to measure worth on how he/she pleases others.
Learns to fear disapproval.

Underlying Characteristics
Is rewarded only for well done, completed tasks.

Message sent to the child...
“To be worthwhile you must meet my standards.”
Possible Results...
Develops unrealistic standards and learns to measure worth by how closely he/she reaches perfection.
Learns to dread failure.

Underlying Characteristics
Focuses on self evaluation and personal gain.

Message sent to the child...
“You’re the best. You must remain superior to others to be worthwhile.”
Possible Results...
Learns to be over-competitive to get ahead at the expense of others
Feels worthwhile only when “on top”.


ENCOURAGEMENT

Underlying Characteristics
Focus is on child’s ability to manage life constructively.

Message sent to the child...
“I trust you to become responsible and independent.”
Possible Results...
Learns courage to be imperfect, willingness to try, gains self reliance, feels responsible for own behavior.

Underlying Characteristics
Focus is on Internal Evaluation.

Message sent to the child...
“How you feel about yourself and your own efforts is most important.”
Possible Results...
Learns to evaluate own progress and to make own decisions.

Underlying Characteristics
Recognizes effort and improvement.

Message sent to the child...
“You don’t have to be perfect.”
“Effort and Improvement are important."
Possible Results...
Learns to accept efforts of self and others.
Desires to stay with tasks (persistence).

Underlying Characteristics
Focuses on assets, contribution and appreciation.

Message sent to the child...
“Your contributions count. We function better with you. We appreciate what you have done.”
Possible Results...
Learns to use talents and efforts for good of all, not only for personal gain.
Learns to feel glad for successes of others as well as for own successes.


Adlerian Beliefs/ Strategies


1. EQUALITY OF INDIVIDUALS
2. MUTUAL RESPECT
3. AVOID PUNISHMENT/ REWARD
4. ACTION VS. WORDS
5. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
6. WITHDRAWAL
7. AVOID INTERFERING IN ALL CONFLICTS
8. AVOID DOING FOR CHILD WHAT HE/SHE CAN DO
9. UNDERSTAND CHILD’S GOAL
10. AVOID PITY
11. AVOID CONCERN ABOUT WHAT OTHERS DO
12. USE OF ‘COUNCIL’

The Golden Rule is the basis of democracy-Inalienable right of all.

The child soon considers reward his or her right, demands one for everything ; considers that punishment gives right to punish others (retaliation of children is worse than adult punishment).

Child knows what’s expected, “tunes out” too many words.

Reality of situation vs. adult power (when safe to allow consequences.

Is not surrender! Effective for child demanding undue attention (avoids power struggle, no satisfaction in behavior if no attention).

When children resolve, they learn! Many conflicts are for attention or adult involvement- if we act as judge or separate children: we may stimulate more conflicts.

We may underestimate abilities ; child becomes irresponsible if we fail to give chance to be responsible.

Child has a purpose (a place in group) misbehaving child is still trying for social acceptance.

Often harms situation ; our satisfaction depends on ability to take things in stride – pity leads to self-pity, belief that life “owes me”.

Accept responsibility for what responsibility for what YOU can do ; compensating for others’ mistakes / over-protecting can rob child of courage and resourcefulness.

Group sharing is education for democracy, not a time for adults to ‘preach’ or impose own will on children (home or class)
Emphasize “What can we do?”


ADLERIAN STRATEGIES --- ENCOURAGEMENT

The essence of encouragement is to increase child’s self-confidence, and to convey that he/she is good enough as is, not just as he/she might be. Often, our homes, play/classrooms, communities provide discouraging experiences, and often encouragement is given to those who need it least! The following suggestions apply to all human relationships:

v Avoid discouragement- our inferiority feelings must be overcome if we are to function optimally.

v Work for improvement vs. perfection - this goes for adults too!

v Commend effort- effort is more significant than results.

v Separate the deed from the doer- one may reject actions without rejecting person.

v Build on strengths vs. weaknesses- a misbehaving child has the power to defeat us – give him/her credit for this.

v Show trust- must be sincere, therefore learn to trust child first!

v Avoid viewing mistakes as failures- remove stigma of failure (which usually indicates lack of skill); one’s worth is not dependent on success.

v Failure/defeat only stimulates effort where there’s hope for success- these don’t stimulate a discouraged child who’s lost all hope.

v Stimulate / lead vs. pushing- let person move at own speed.

v Genuine happiness comes from self-sufficiency- children learn to care for themselves.

v Integrate child into group vs. viewing him/her as “special”- This increases over-ambition, and child may switch to “if I can’t be best, I’ll be worst”, or give up altogether.

v Stimulating competition usually doesn’t encourage- if hope of winning: may put more effort, but stressing winning vs. cooperation / contribution is risky (the less competitive one is, the more one can stand competition)

v Praise differs from encouragement- praise may positively affect some, but can discourage /cause anxiety & fear ; some depend on praise and perform only for recognition (more and more). Success with special praise may create “I can never do it that well again” feelings.

v Success is a by-product- preoccupation with obligation to succeed is intimidating and may lead to failure. If we focus on contribution / cooperation: success usually results.

v Help person develop courage to be imperfect- take mistakes in stride/learn from them.

v Provide opportunities to be responsible- not just to ‘responsible’ person, but to a discouraged person – may find it’s worthwhile to cooperate.

v Discouragement is ‘contagious’ – person tends to discourage others around him/her.

v Optimism is ‘contagious’- helps encourage self and others.


WHEN TO USE ACTIVE LISTENING:

Gordon (1970) believes that there are many times when children send us messages saying that all is not right in their world, that something is troubling them. At such times they need adults who can actively listen to these messages.
1. A child who is hurt wants the adult to understand that hurt. For example, Andy fell off tricycle, scratched his knee, cried, and ran to his teacher.

Nonactive listener Active Listener

“Stop crying, Andy. You’re not hurt that “You’ve scraped your knee and
badly.” that probably hurt.”

2. A child who feels anxious, insecure or frightened also needs to have these feelings acknowledged. Jack began to cry when his mother left him at school for the first time.

Nonactive listener Active Listener

“It’s ok, Jack. There really isn’t anything “You don’t like your mom to
to cry about .” leave, and you feel sad without
her.”
“You know that your mother will be back
after school.”

The nonactive listener has denied the child the right to feel a certain way. The teacher who is an active listener has identified and acknowledged Jack’s feelings. She has not denied them.

3. Sometime, a child sends a “coded” message in the form of a seemingly straightforward question. Such a question usually hides certain feelings, and these feelings need attention. Mike, for example, watched a news show about a break in a neighborhood water main and subsequent flooding of a neighborhood street. He saw the deep hole created at one end of the street and heard the report about two children who fell into the hole and had to be rescued. The next day he asked his teacher, “How does it feel to drown?”

Nonactive listener Active listener

“How am I supposed to know?” “It sounds like you might be worried
“You ask the strangest questions! Go about all that water in your
and find something to play with.” neighborhood.”


HOW TO USE ACTIVE LISTENING
(GORDON, 1970)


Active listening requires that an adult listen to a child’s feelings in a non-judgemental way and be able to feed back accurately the feelings to the child.

1. The child listens to the content of the message. The adult also listens carefully and tries to understand what the message means and what the child is feeling.

Charles: “Teacher, Jim and Sam won’t let me play in the water! Make them let me play with the boats.”(Mrs. Morgan realizes that the content of this message is that Charles wants to play in the water. She also understands that Charles is feeling very angry with the other two boys).

2. The adult puts this understanding into her own words and feeds it back to the child for verification.

Mrs. Morgan: “You like playing with the boats, and you are angry because Jim and Sam told you to go away.” (Charles verifies the teacher’s understanding of his feelings.)

Charles: “Yeah, they said that I always splash the water on them when I play.”

3. The adult suspends judgment and avoids preaching, giving advice, or trying to persuade the child to feel differently. She merely feeds back her perception of the child’s feeling.

Mrs. Morgan: “You didn’t know that the others got splashed.”



METHOD OF BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION


STEPS IN ALTERING A CHILD’S ENVIRONMENT

A behavior modifier or therapist follows specific steps in altering a child’s environment (Redd and Sleater, 1978)

STEP 1: Assess the problem. When modifying a behavior it is essential that conditions and events associated with a problem behavior be determined. The goal in this step is to find out exactly what it is in the environment that is reinforcing the problem behavior. This step is accomplished by careful observation of the social environment. For example, an early childhood teacher, Miss Riley, confers with a behavior modification specialist about Steven. She reports Steven’s behavior as disruptive to group activities like snack, walks, music, and story time. The behavior therapist goes to the class and observes. He observes that Steven is indeed disruptive during group times, that is, he makes noise, moves around, stands up, or runs away. He also observes what happens after one of Steven’s outbursts. The teacher, every time Steven disrupts an activity, attends to him in some way. She stops what she is doing, looks at him, or reprimands him. In short, she reinforces Steven’s disruptive behavior, the very behavior she wants to eliminate. The behavior therapist observes that there are lots of times during the day when Steven works quietly with others but that Miss Riley never reinforces him then.

STEP 2: Choose desired (target) behavior. Observe the undesirable behavior of the child and the teacher’s behavior or classroom recommendations on how to alter the environment. This is done by specifying child behaviors (shouting, running away) that need to be changed and making recommendations for changing the environmental conditions fostering these behaviors, (the teacher’s attention-reinforcement).

STEP 3: Determine the reinforcer. The teacher is to reinforce Steven’s more positive behaviors (remaining seated, remaining with the group) but first has to figure out what reinforcers might be valuable to him. Does he like a special snack such as cheese or raisins? The reinforcer must have value to the specific child whose behavior is supposed to be changed.

STEP 4: Specify short-term behavioral goals. Decreasing “disruptive” behavior is too general a goal. The program to change Steven’s behavior is therefore organized into stages, starting with easily attainable goals. It might be too difficult for Steven to have to sit through an entire story before getting reinforced for being quiet. The specialist recommends that Miss Riley or the aide reinforce him with a smile or a word of praise after brief periods during the story.

STEP 5: Monitor constantly. Monitoring requires continued observation. The undesirable behavior should gradually drop out if the program is a good one. If Steven continues to be disruptive, then the behavioral change program might need to be reviewed and refined.

STEPS IN USING THE NO-LOSE METHOD
The teacher decided to try the no-lose method of resolving the conflict of the messy block corner. This method is, essentially, problem solving or negotiation in which both parties participate. The steps in this method follow.

STEP 1. Identify and define the conflict. At group time the teacher brings up the problem. She avoids using accusatory statements.

Mrs. Morgan: “We have a problem. Every day at clean-up time I get angry because the little block toys are not put on the right shelves. They get all mixed up, and I have to spend a lot of time putting them away. What do you think that we can do to fix this problem together?”

STEP 2. Generate possible alternative solutions. Accept a variety of solutions and be non-judgmental.

STEP 3. Evaluate alternative solutions.

STEP 4. Decide on the best possible solution. The group decided that covering the toys might not be the best solution to the problem and that cleaning this one area at group time would not work because the group of children was too large. They agreed that having large buckets for each accessory would be the best solution.

STEP 5. Work out ways of implementing the solution.

Mrs. Morgan: “I think that having the buckets will work, but how will you know which bucket to put the animals and people and cars in so that they don’t get all mixed up in one bucket?”
Tina: “Maybe we could put a picture of the cow on the bucket for the animals.”
Mrs. Morgan: “That’s a good idea, Tina. Somebody could also paste a picture of a person on the bucket for the people. I’ll bring in three big buckets and you can put on the pictures. We can place the buckets on the floor in the block corner.”

STEP 6. Follow up to evaluate how the solution worked. Mrs. Morgan observed the block corner clean-up for a few days and noticed that most of the children put the toys in the appropriate buckets. She discussed this with the group and thanked them for cooperating.

The important thing in this whole process is that Mrs. Morgan did not view this conflict as a power struggle but as a way for the group to work out a solution satisfactory to everyone. The result was a fairly tidy block corner, a teacher whose need for help in cleaning up was met, and a group of children who know that their teacher accepts their feelings and trusts them to develop and carry out solutions to problems.


HOW WE CAN ENCOURAGE CHILDREN?

Encouragement is the most important aspect of child-raising. Dr. Draikurs claims that “A child needs encouragement as a plant needs sun and water.” The essence of encouragement is to increase the child’s confidence in him and to convey to him that he is good enough as he is, not just as he might be.

It is all too common to find that our homes, classrooms and communities provide a series of discouraging experiences to many children and that all too often encouragement is given only to those who need it the least. We suggest that parents, teachers and all who deal with children keep in mind the following suggestions: (these apply in all human relationships).

. Avoid discouragement.
- The feelings of inferiority which all humans experience must be overcome if we are to function optimally.

· Work for improvement, not perfection.
- This goes for adults too!

· Commend Effort
- One’s effort is more significant than one’s results.

· Separate the deed from the doer
- One may reject the child’s actions without rejecting the child.

· Build on strengths, not weaknesses.
- A misbehaving child has the power to defeat the adult. Give him credit for this.

· Show your trust in the child.
- This must be sincere, so one must first learn to trust the child.

· Mistakes should not be viewed as failures.
- We need to take away the stigma of failure.
- Failure usually indicates lack of skill.
- One’s worth is not dependant on success.

· Failure and defeat will only stimulate special effort when there remains the hope to eventual success.
- They do not stimulate a deeply discouraged child who has lost all hopes of succeeding.

· Stimulate and lead the child, but do not try to push him ahead.
- Let him move at his own speed.

· Remember that genuine happiness comes from self-sufficiency.
- Children need to learn to take care of themselves.

· Integrate the child into the group, rather than treat him as “something special.”
- Treating the child as “something special” increases his over-ambition. An over-ambitious child who cannot succeed usually switches to the useless side of life with “private logic”: “If I can’t be the best, I’ll at least be the worst.” Even more serious, he may give up altogether.

· Stimulating competition usually does not encourage children.
- Those who see hope of winning may put forth extra effort, but the stress is on winning rather than on cooperation and contribution. The less competitive one is, the better is one able to stand competition.

· Remember that praise is not the same as encouragement.
- Praise may have encouraging effect on some children, but praise often discourages and causes anxiety and fear. Some come to depend on praise and will perform only for recognition in ever-increasing amounts. Success accompanied by special praise for the result may make the child fear “I can never do it again!”

· Success is a by-product.
- Preoccupation with the obligation to succeed is intimidating and the resulting fear and anxiety often contribute to failure. If one functions with the emphasis on what contribution he may make of how he may cooperate with others, success usually results.

· Help the child develop the courage to be imperfect.
- We all need to learn to make mistakes in stride and to learn from them.

· Don’t give responsibility and significance only to those who are already responsible.
- Giving opportunities to be responsible to a child who is discouraged may make it worthwhile for him to cooperate.

· Solicit the help of other members of the family or members of the group to help a discouraged child find his place in useful ways.

· Remember that discouragement is contagious and that a discouraged child tends to discourage those who work with him.

· Avoid trying to mend one’s own threatened ego by discouraging others or by looking down on them.

· Overcome your own pessimism and develop an optimistic approach to life. Optimism is contagious and helps encourage your child and others.

The Toronto Association of Individual Psychology – Edith A. Dewey



CHILD’S MISTAKEN GOALS


ATTENTION GOAL OF MISBEHAVIOUR

WHAT CHILD IS SAYING
...I ONLY COUNT WHEN I AM BEING NOTICED OR SERVED

HOW PARENT FEELS
...ANNOYED
...WANTS TO REMIND, COAX
...DELIGHTED WITH “GOOD” CHILD

CHILD’S REACTION TO REPRIMAND
...TEMPORARILY STOPS DISTURBING ACTION WHEN GIVEN ATTENTION
...GIVE ATTENTION AT PLEASANT TIMES

SOME CORRECTIVE MEASURES
...IGNORE BEHAVIOR, NOT CHILD
...ANSWER OR DO THE UNEXPECTED



POWER GOAL OF MISBEHAVIOUR


WHAT CHILD IS SAYING
...I ONLY COUNT WHEN I AM DOMINATING, WHEN YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO

HOW PARENT FEELS
...PROVOKED
...GENERALLY WANTS POWER
...CHALLENGED “I’LL MAKE HIM DO IT.”
...“YOU CAN’T GET AWAY WITH IT.”

CHILD’S REACTION TO REPRIMAND
...INTENSIFIES ACTION WHEN REPRIMANDED
...CHILD WANTS TO WIN, BE BOSS

SOME CORRECTIVE MEASURES
...EXTRICATE SELF
...ACT, NOT TALK
...BE FRIENDLY
...ESTABLISH EQUALITY
...REDIRECT CHILD’S EFFORTS INTO CONSTRUCTIVE CHANNELS


REVENGE GOAL OF MISBEHAVIOUR


WHAT CHILD IS SAYING
...I CAN’T BE LIKED, I DON’T HAVE POWER, BUT I’LL COUNT IF I CAN HURT OTHERS AS I FEEL HURT BY LIFE

HOW PARENT FEELS
...HURT
...MAD
...“HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?”

CHILD’S REACTION TO REPRIMAND
...WANTS TO GET EVEN
...MAKES SELF DISLIKED

SOME CORRECTIVE MEASURES
...EXTRICATE SELF
...WIN CHILD
...MAINTAIN ORDER WITH MINIMUM RESTRAINT
...AVOID RETALIATION
...TAKE TIME AND EFFORT TO HELP CHILD


INADEQUACY GOAL OF MISBEHAVIOR


WHAT CHILD IS SAYING
...I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT SO I WON’T TRY TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL; I AM NO GOOD”

HOW PARENT FEELS
...DESPAIR
...“I GIVE UP”

CHILD’S REACTION TO REPRIMAND
...NO REPRIMAND, THEREFORE, NO REACTION
...FEELS THERE IS NO USE TO TRY
...PASSIVE

SOME CORRECTIVE MEASURES
...ENCOURAGEMENT (MAY TAKE LONG)
...FAITH IN CHILD’S ABILITY


AVOID THAT FIRST IMPULSE: DO THE UNEXPECTED

*Stop and Consider – what does the situation demand?

*Whenever we act on impulse to what a child does, we can be pretty sure that we are merely doing what he wants us to do, although the child himself may not be aware of this.

* Stop to consider what purpose the behavior has, and respond to the needs of the situation rather than to the undue demand for attention; the invitation to a power struggle or retaliation; or proof of helplessness.

* Consequently, children will have to learn a new behavior, new ways of belonging, if old behavior does not get the pay-offs they expect eg. attention; power; retaliation; or helplessness




AVOID GIVING UNDUE ATTENTION
(Mistaken Goals regarding attention-seeking)

**** “My only importance lies in keeping you busy with me. Unless you are busy with me, I don’t belong, I’m not important”.

**** By declining to constantly give attention, children will have to find other means for recognition. Initially, these may be rebellious. Children might need help finding more constructive means.

**** Means of attention-seeking are: 1) “why game”; 2) “good” child;
3) Constant interruptions when busy e.g. working in the kitchen; friends busy.

**** Children do need attention. However, if we find ourselves overly busy with a child when the situation fails to justify it, when we feel annoyed or distressed, we can be assured that the demands are for undue attention.

**** Constantly giving undue attention shows a lack of respect for yourself (your right to have time to do what you want and need to do) and a lack of respect for the child (having the child come to learn other means of being important).

APPROACH:

i) Inform the child that you are busy and cannot give the attention right now.

ii) Set another time for attention and stick to it by declining to acknowledge further attention at the set time.

iii) Give the child alternative behaviors to choose from e.g. “Would you like to play with your toys or would you like to go to your room.”

iv) Acknowledge appropriate behavior e.g. “I’m pleased to see that you played so nicely by yourself

STIMULATE INDEPENDENCE

Never do for a child what he can so for himself.

* Not allowing children to do what they can do for themselves prepares them for an inferior, helpless, passive role in life, depriving them of the opportunity to experience their own strengths and capabilities to develop faith in ability, courage and adequacy, a sense of security and self-sufficiency.

* As soon as a child demonstrates a desire to do things for himself, let him go ahead and try. He may require help, supervision, encouragement and training which we can give.

* Children find pleasure in having things done for them, having a feeling of power in being able to command services. However, they also enjoy their ability to be helpful.

* Parents do not consciously intend to cripple a child’s self-sufficiency.

* Parents must learn to step back, give the child room, deny our assistance, and give our encouragement.


WITHDRAW FROM THE CONFLICT

* Conflict is a result of the relationship between two people. Thus, if one withdraws, the other cannot continue.

* You can only be firm and responsible for what you do, not for others. e.g. Bedtime: Inform the child of bedtime. Ignore child after this appointed time; or firmly and aloofly ready the child for bed and tuck him in, remaining aloof at further interruptions. e.g. “bathroom vacuum” …retreating to the bathroom when inappropriate behavior ensues. e.g.…temper tantrums…ignore and remove self from the scene.

* Inappropriate behavior is usually a demand for attention or a means of setting up a power struggle. Although withdrawing may seem as though the child is having “his way”, by withdrawing, refusing to give attention or to engage in a power struggle, actually the child is not gaining the purpose of his behavior and will need to find an alternate means of belonging.

* Withdrawing from conflict in public is difficult, as our prestige is far more threatened. Training begins in the home. However, if we have the courage to withdraw mentally at least, in public too, the problem should be able to be solved.

COMMUNICATION: NINE STEPS TO LISTENING

Communication begins by listening and indicating that you hear the other person’s feelings and meanings.

Effective listening involves establishing eye contact and a posture which clearly indicates that you are listening.

Avoid nagging, criticizing, threatening, lecturing, probing, ridiculing.

Treat others the way you treat your best friend.

Mutual respect involves accepting the other person’s feelings.

Reflective listening involves hearing feelings and meanings and then stating this so the person feels understood. It provides a mirror for others to see him/her self more clearly.

Learn to give open responses which ignore that accurately state what the other person feels and means.

Avoid closed responses which ignore the feelings, for this relays that we have not heard or understood.

Resist the impulse to impose your solutions.


CLOSED RESPONSE

Denies a right to feelings by demonstrating listener’s unwillingness to accept and understand.
(see #3 above)

OPEN RESPONSE

Acknowledges right to feelings by demonstrating that the listener accepts what he feels as well as what he says. Indicates that the listener understands.

e.g. You seem to be feeling …… (angry, sad, frustrated, etc.)

Opens the door to sharing.